The Dynamics of Domestic Violence

As I walked into the room that this workshop was being held in, the people running it were still setting up the room a little bit to get it ready for the session. They were placing all of the chairs together in a circle to create a more Socratic atmosphere. As people started filling in the circle, it slowly grew into a larger and larger circle filled with women, all with different experiences and memories that each could relate to this one single topic.
Karen Wyman, one of the board members and an amazing speaker, set us all off by having us go around the circle stating our first names, and one word that we each think describes love. As the circle went around and different women were giving their answers, it was clear that we were all perfectly aware of what the term means and stands for. Then she asked everyone, "What is love not?" As we sat quietly thinking of possible answers, she then asked another question, "What exactly is domestic violence?" One woman immediately raised her hand with a perfect answer, explaining how domestic violence does not only include physical abuse, but also financial, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse as well. Another woman said that domestic violence was neglect, and another claimed that it was unbalanced control in a relationship. Which one of these answers were the correct ones? Every single one of them.
Karen went on to explain how everyone was correct, and how domestic violence seems to happen in the context of a relationship in which one should feel safe. Ironic? Then she exclaimed how MOST, (not all,) of domestic violence is done by a man to a woman. I know that some of these answers sound like something that most people have already heard before, including myself, however just being apart of this 1 hour and 10 minute workshop was beneficial enough for anyone walking out of the room to say that they had at least learned one thing that they were not already aware of.
Karen then asked everyone to stand up, and proceeded to explain that one side of the room was now going to be the "disagree" side, and the other side of the room was going to be the "agree" side. She asked us a few questions, or stated a few common statements about domestic violence, and the learners were told to either go to the disagree or the agree side of the room, even if they were stuck in the middle. It became very clear after only the first question that there were many different experiences and memories floating around the room amongst the huge variety of women, because each one had interesting and eye-opening thoughts, ideas, and theories to share with one another. Karen made statements like, "I will leave the first time he hits me," and half of the women went to the agree side, and the other half went to the disagree side. Learning what the other women on the opposing side of you had to say about why they chose their answer was where most of the learning came from. Karen asked about 3 or 4 more questions relating to the topic before we had one last closing discussion about the matter. Was it a good experience for me? If there was an agree side the room that I am sitting in now, then I would already be there answering this question. I did not learn in this workshop by reading, doing writing exercises, listening to a lecture, or reading off of someone's homemade power point presentation about their own opinion based research. I learned by listening to what all of these other strong women had to say about their own lives. Even I had my own input to maybe even help others.
Why doesn't a woman just leave after being abused? It's easier said than done. 40% of the murdered women in America died trying to leave an abusive household. FORTY PERCENT! Who do we make responsible when we ask why didn't SHE leave? Obviously we put the problem in the hands of the women, the victims, or the innocent ones. Is this fair? Of course not. 80% of incarcerated women in America were exposed to some sort of domestic violence beforehand at some point in their lives. Doesn't this statement speak enough for itself? Obviously not enough... because there has yet to be change. How do we address this matter? How can we help one another? How will we ever be able to make any changes? How does the system try to help? On the other hand, what is the system doing that it is not getting any better, or in most cases, getting even worse?